I had a few favorites, but of all of them, Matilda comes in first place. I was obsessed with the book--I loved Roald Dahl and his books were the first (besides picture books) that I really got into, I think. So I naturally loved the movie, although we never owned and still don't own a copy of it! I remember always going back to the library to try to renew it. Weird. Why didn't we ever just buy it?

Second place is Fly Away Home. I still can't help but adore this one. *tears up* You see, I loved ducks and geese with a burning passion when I was younger.

Third is the movie I always used to watch when I was sick--Milo and Otis. So cute.

Honorable Mention: The Sound of Music, which I like now more than I did when I was younger.

I tend to put myself down a lot.

A few years ago, I somehow fell into a downward spiral of blame, blame, blame--except at that time it was always on others, always on my family. We've never been very close and if there was something I didn't like about myself, I'd try to reach for an experience I could use to justify it. Last year I realized how wrong that was for me to do. Sure, your childhood may shape a huge part of you, but the past shouldn't affect your ability to change things you don't like about yourself. That's where the problem came for me, though--the thought of Hey, seriously. It's not your family's fault turned into It's your own fault. I thought that in some areas I was unable to change, when really it was just unwillingness. But anyway, to quote one of my friends--sometimes it's no one's fault. And I try to keep that in mind as much as possible.

When little, disappointing things happen throughout the day, like when I break promises to myself, get back a bad grade on a math test, or say the wrong thing, I kick myself. A lot. It's a habit people notice. They probably wish I wasn't always so down on myself, and I am working on it. I'm trying to be more optimistic, to pick out the good in things. I see little bits of change, tiny yellow flowers under a tall, leafless tree. I don't worry about the flowers being crushed, eaten, whatever--I know spring is coming and the fair weather will allow more to grow.

... Hmm, these writer's block questions always turn into excuses for me to ramble. xD I AM ALWAYS RAMBLING, UGH. haha, that was a bad joke.

Lately at school I've been trying to go out of my way to be friendly to random people who wouldn't expect it. I've been asking people their names more, making eye contact in hallways, waving, etc. It sounds a little odd to say that kindness is an effort, but sometimes it just is when you've been being harsh on yourself. Because really, doesn't the way you think of yourself have a huge impact on how you view others? If I've been having a bad day or just feel ehh tired or not so great, sometimes I want to avoid putting myself in any sort of situation that requires anything out of me--thought, energy, whatever. That mindset can be a little trapping, but I get out of it by remembering how much a simple smile or hello means to me and thinking Okay, so it must mean the same to others, too. And also, it can be fun to see how many kind things you can fit into one day. Make it a challenge and eventually it won't have to be one. After aaaall: Thoughts become words, words become actions, actions become habits, habits become character, and character becomes destiny. A little cheesy sounding, but very true & I like it.

It's late afternoon and the sun seems to mock me as it subtly changes positions in the sky. I'm at summer camp, climbing a ladder of sorts--the metal staples in the trunk of a tall tree. Once I reach the top, there will be a small, wooden platform. Once I am sitting on the platform, I'll see a swinging trapeze straight ahead. And once the reality of what that trapeze implies--demands--harshly burns itself into the pools of nervousness that are my eyes, I will want to abandon the challenge and flee down to the ground.

The voices of a few friends from my high ropes activity class are encouraging, but it's hard for me to see that. I only see the reality of the height I am at, the possibility of not catching the round metal bar that hangs in midair, suspended from two cables. It's no big deal, really--I'm harnessed to the rope element and either Laudi or Sunny is belaying me. No big deal. No big deal... It's fun, right?

I am not afraid of heights. I am afraid of failure. But that's why I'm doing this. My feet separate themselves from my thoughts and keep climbing.

You're almost there! a voice shouts.
Only a few more staples...
All you need is to get up onto that platform, then you're practically done!
Good, now just jump! Anytime you're ready.

My subconscious does not allow time for thought. At this moment, thinking means analyzing, overthinking. Finding excuses to back away. And before I know it, I'm in the air. Somehow my hands catch the bar, but one quickly slips, leaving me barely hanging. But I've caught it--I'm holding on. People are smiling down below. I don't know how many feet above the ground I am, but in the ten or so seconds that my fingers manage to keep their hold on the bar, I am a million miles above fear, frailty, failure. I am strong.

I let my fingers slide from the cold metal. Life has been shifted into amazingly beautiful perspective, even if only for a moment or two. Knowing that, I'm ready to reach the ground again.

Autumn and Fawn, lounging in the hammock. They're nearly four months old now, and are wonderful, sweet-tempered little girls.



Lucy, about two and a half years old. The photograph makes it look like she likes posing for the camera, doesn't it? Heh, heh...

Because of her case of myco and her tumor, she lives in a cage apart from the two other girls. I really would love to get the tumor removed, but (I hate to say this) she's lived a pretty decent life and I'm tight on money. I feel like I'll get it removed, then her time to go will come soon anyway.

I'm hoping to have the other two spayed, though.

Er, hi! :D

I'm not yet sure as to what I'm going to do with this journal, but I suppose I'll figure that out soon enough. I just felt the need to post something to fill the annoyingly empty page, so... here it is!